A Singing Bird in an Open Cage

nothing..

2010-07-10T11:19:00.000-07:00

I had this intense desire to get drunk today. I have consumed alcohol in very miniscule amounts on just a couple of occasions, usually when I am hanging out with friends who drink. That’s it, forget about getting a high, I cannot even differentiate one from the other. Anyway, coming back to what I started saying. I wanted to get drunk, and I wanted it bad. Not out of some stupid childish obsession, but because I felt inconsolable today. And I knew crying wouldn’t help me either. It was an issue that I could talk to nobody about. It was too personal. I had just started questioning my faith and trust in something that I had valued the most. And I had realized that it is your emotional side that makes you trust something and your brutally practical side that helps you sustain it. No, not ‘helps’, per se, it is more of a check meter. The moment it senses something wrong, something amiss, it directly reaches, catches hold of your ‘faith’ at it neck and strangulates it.

from the nook and corner of my mind...

2010-07-09T10:20:00.000-07:00

What if someday you realize that u have been living a lie? That something which you believed in the most, something that you could swear by without an iota of doubt turns out to be a mirage. You reach out to embrace your faith, and you realize it is no longer there, it never was in the first place. It was a cruel delusion crafted by your fate. What if, by some strange mechanism, you are made to look at your life from a third person’s point of view, and you get to realize the disastrous decisions you have taken, the wrong people you have trusted, the happiness that you have evaded and the sorrows that you have willingly invited with your arms wide open. And quite frustratingly, you can do nothing to change your course of actions, only you see yourself walking towards an impending doom.

“You think a lot”… “God! Can you give your mind some rest”… “Hell, why do you have to get so hyper and worry uselessly”…Sigh! Being me is not so easy. I get to hear all of this so regularly. That is coz, I feel so pathetically messed up in the head sometimes. There are thoughts, so many of them, cramped up in every nook and corner of my mind that I feel lost. Then again, there usually is one thought that is the real trouble factor and I keep pushing it away as far as possible, thereby clouding my mind with unnecessary thoughts. And that is why, writing is of such immense help to me. I know however much I may obsess about something in my blog, there really isn’t anybody out there to say- “sreyashi…enough!!”

When you step into someone else’s shoes, do something that already been done by something before, being compared to your forerunner is the most obvious thing that happens. And I realized this some time back. I have had this realization some times before, but I guess those events did not hit me hard enough to write a blog. It is a scary feeling when you know that every action of yours has a precedent. You never really tire yourself thinking, if you have been able to reach the benchmark that inevitably exists in the minds of those around you. I donot think people mean to judge you, but comparisons happen so automatically that you know that you cannot escape them. And when u fail at something, it hurts you much much more than it should, coz there’s a lil voice in your mind that says- ‘may be, you should not be where you are..this isn’t your place’..

chingari koi bhadke....

2010-06-29T06:46:00.000-07:00

It is 7 in the evening and there is a heavy downpour. Out of nowhere the clouds gathered in the sky and a fierce wind started blowing. And then within minutes, the sky hurled the rains down.
I was studying and also listening to songs…some of my favourites- chingari koi bhadke, hazaar rahein mudke dekha. Suddenly, I had this urge to write. Rains have a weird effect on my mood, sometimes they make me really happy and the other times very very sad.
And right now I am feeling sad. Dunno why but when it started raining, an image flashed through my mind...a group of street children huddled close to each other, under a makeshift roof, trying to protect themselves from the rains. The wind giving them goose-bumps, and their eyes tightly shut, trying to keep away the water from entering them.
Maybe because, it was the photograph I saw in the newspaper today. ‘Childhood lost in grime’ was the caption. It showed a young boy, clearing sediment from an underground drain near some place in Sealdah. I felt deeply moved. There was an intense desire to do something for that boy. And for the several others who are out there, lost in the dirt and poverty of the world.
And I also thought about the lil boy I saw in the ward. I did not ask him his age or his name. He was suffering from ‘tetralogy of fallot’. He was lying limp, unable to open his eyes, speak, look around. His desolate mum was siting next to him.

The other day I was having this discussion with a friend, and I was telling him that I have double-faced motherly instincts in me. I donot want a baby of my own. I donot want to shoulder the responsibility of my own child, feel tied down to my life. On the other hand, I would really really love to dedicate my life to working for street children, children in the orphanages. May be even raise the children of ppl working under me, say my maid, my driver.
May be all this was there in my subconscious mind. The rains brought them to the surface.

P.S I LOVE YOU!

2010-04-29T11:01:00.000-07:00

I am feeling disorientated yet again. There is an undercurrent of unhappiness and restlessness within me that is driving me crazy, and invariably I am directing these emotions against two people - P n S (names withheld !) who have been two of the most special friends I have had in college.
With S, this sort of a behavior is completely unjustified on my part. Simply because, she doesn’t deserve it one bit. I have always terribly low on self confidence, and she is someone, (apart from P n Mimi) who have helped me fight against this big obstacle I face in all spheres of my life. Her unquestioning belief in my abilities and trust has always been an inspiration for me in my worst moods. Sometimes, she is the mirror in whom I can see myself, sometimes she is someone I admire and aspire to be like. She makes me feel buoyed up in life with her exuberance, but these days I respond to her coldly, coz I feel she makes me feel incapable as a student. There cannot be a more flawed attitude. Yes, I know that she is a far better student than I am. There’s a lot to learn from her, and I have. But the desperation and helplessness that I am experiencing in this academic year is turning me into one hell of a petty person.
P, my life and soul…and the thing is I can love him as much as I can be antagonized by him. And he keeps winning me over, by gestures that overwhelm me. And then I sometimes wish we weren’t in this kind of a relationship that we are in now. Coz it hurts. It is a lot easier to accept people the way they are when u expect less from them, when your relationship maintains the distance that is required to keep it fresh and healthy. But unfortunately we are together in a way that allows us to do neither of the above. And that is how trouble erupts in paradise. And the fact is that my foul mood these days isn’t making matters better. Fear is what I feel and he doesn’t. Zeal to live for today is his forte which isn’t mine. Things that matter to me do not matter the same way to him. What ‘being uncomplicated’ means to him does not mean the same to me. I seek solace in solitude these days and that just does not feel right.
Yeh waqt guzar jayega. I hope it does. Coz I want to feel the same love, same harmony that I used to feel earlier in these two relationships.
Peace, that is what I am searching for the most. I want the perpetual turmoil and pessimism in within me to end…

my lil friends...

2010-03-22T09:30:00.000-07:00

This blog is dedicated to my little friends whom I’ve met during my pediatrics ward roster. Taufiq, Barun, and that another girl whose name I’ve forgotten. I think about them, those unassuming kids, their innocent, delightful smiles, and the way they brave all the adversities that their lives, even during their short stay in this world, have bestowed upon them. I will remember how baby taufiq kept tugging at our stethoscopes, there were at least 6-7 of them placed on his chest. I will never forget how he recognized me the next day as well, and put his arms out, wide open, asking me to pick him up. I will remember dear lil barun, who took my pen and wrote his name on his hand and smiled each time we were doing the vocal fremitus test on him. Then that lil girl, whose name I have forgotten, she asked for a chocolate and gave me a big smile when I got her one the next day. These lil kids smile even when they really have no reason to be happy about. Congenital heart disease, tuberculosis, acute leukemia….to name a few miserable diseases they suffer from. Maybe, ignorance truly is bliss in their case. When I look at them, I feel happy and sad at the same time, and I say an earnest prayer for all of them, asking god to look after them, such that the smiles on their faces are preserved for ever.

just jotting down...

2010-03-21T11:54:00.000-07:00

I stood in my balcony for a few minutes just a while back. It is 11:45 at night. Outside, it was dark and very peaceful. The roads were reflecting the orange-ish light of the streetlamps, and the silhouettes of the trees on the roads in the dimly lit parts made for a very poetic atmosphere. Peace and calm was what I was searching for. And I wish I could stand outside forever. Sometimes I so resent the company of people around me. People, gadgets, loud noises, cluttered up rooms…I feel claustrophobic. I long for solitude and a soothing music in the background. Today is one such day.

I despise the way she can be so demeaning at times. I hate her prim n proper ways. I hate the way she is so sure of herself, so sure that whatever she does is good. I hate her nagging, her attitude of a control-freak..i should not be saying all this. N that is what I hate about myself..

A lovely rabindrasangeet is playing on my laptop. It soothes my distraught nerves..

O.P Ghai’s paediactrics is lying open in front of me. I haven’t studied much since the morning. The to-do stuff keeps piling up and I can never reach my target. I don’t feel like studying now. I have a ward-ending after 4 days. And I’ll effectively get half an evening to study for it next week coz of previously decided engagements that I’ll have to fulfill in the coming days.

I lost my temper at my sis. I apologized to her later on. I love her a lot. But I am bad to her. I hide a lot many things from her. She talks to me a lot. She wants me to do the same, yet I don’t. I wish I could write to her.

A long pending blog..

2010-03-13T20:40:00.000-08:00

The miseries of old age affect me a lot. It is not that old age is synonymous with gloom, but it is undeniably very commonplace to find old people burdened by darkness on all sides.
A gradual deterioration of life is what all 60+ people have to face- death of their spouse, infliction by some crippling disease, staying alone away from their family, sour relations with their children and an abysmal generation gap between their grandchildren, all this and more in any order by combination and permutation.
The end result is that most of them, being relegated to the darkest corners of the house and the lives of their immediate family members, eagerly wait for their impending death. Some who have it lucky set off for the heavenly abode without having to live through the pathetic state of extreme debilitation, while others remain bed-ridden- their bodies shriveling up, cheeks shrinking and their eyesockets getting hollower, and mental faculties gradually degenerating.
All this is a compilation of what I have observed in my family as well as amongst my relatives.
I wonder why the end of the journey has to be such a bumpy and rough ride. May be it is like what I have heard most elderly people say- shaara jeeboner paaper phol- the fruit of all the bad deeds during ones lifetime and this I often believe is true.

There is a lot that one has to take in his/her stride when one grows old, there’s a lot that one has to learn to let go. Often it is the inability or unwillingness to do this, that makes growing old such a painful process for some people. And well, the faults of their kin just cannot be ignored. I donot want to get into the rhetorics here. It is not that I feel scared of my old age because honestly, I find it difficult to imagine myself as an old woman- there’s still a long way to go. What draws me to old people is their loneliness, their helplessness which unfailingly become their companions in the last leg of their lives.

What made me write this blog?
My sick grandma called me to her room today and put 200 rs in my hand and said ‘I couldnot give anything to you on your birthday.’ She was seriously ill due to a herpes infection on my birthday. Although she had been in the hospital on that day, she had not forgotten to wish me. 4 months had passed since my birthday and she had not yet recovered completely.
‘Let me show you some photographs’, she said. She brought out an envelope from under her pillow. It contained around 9- 10 old photographs of different family members. I was there too, in two of those photographs, one when I was in class 4th and the other when I was in class 9th. Tears welled up in my eyes., not because of the photographs, but because of this sudden picture I formed of my grandma in my head. I saw my grandma, too sick to get up from the bed and walk around, and who is not able to sleep properly due to pain at night, looking through those photos in her lonely moments, reminiscing all those years that had gone by, remembering all those people she had known, thinking of all changed times and ties- the weight of innumerable memories gathered over 85 long years suddenly seemed inhumanly wearisome to me.

thoughts of a confused soul..

2010-03-13T20:04:00.000-08:00

I am trying to arrange my thoughts here. I have been feeling very confused about my life for the past few months. This state has had an insidious onset with gradually progressing severity, with the complication of chronic depression setting in, and yes I forgot to mention radiation..well it is radiating into other relationships which are getting adversely affected.
The salient features or the doubts that have arisen are:

a. Am I in the right profession?
Now when I ask this question to myself, my first thought is, to simplify matters- like what can be defined as a ‘right profession’. Now I confess, the following thing might seem to be an infringement of copyright of a certain mr. ranchoddass chanchar- the right profession is when you are actually doing something that u enjoy doing, and that something should also provide you with a livelihood.

b. Now comes the next question- what am I good at, that can also be my profession?
Now some people are born talented, like they have a talent that sticks out a mile, and they don’t have a difficulty making a choice..like Mr. Shankar Mahadeven who quit engineering to be a singer and a composer. Then there are some people who have this amazing grooming that nurtures their talent to the point of that becoming their profession, like Ms. Shreya Ghoshal, who used to live in some godforsaken land and who used to hence travel many kilometers to train in singing..and who now has no doubt abt the fact that she is doing what she is destined to do.
Why am I just quoting the examples of singers? I dunno, but that bears no significance here. Now I belong to the third category of people who donot have any horridly blatant talent, but who aren’t duds at the same time. I can write, can take good photographs, am good at ‘managing’ or ‘organizing’ stuff, I can sing, and may be do a couple of other things as well. The point here is I am not extraordinarily talented in any one of the above mentioned things, such that I can say with conviction – ‘all right, this is what I want to do in life’..
I also understand this,that not all hobbies can or rather, should be turned into a profession.
Having said all of this, my question remains unanswered. I don’t know if I m good enough at doing something that can be my profession.

While I am still at this question, I’d like to make a couple of points.
1. I am sort of good at handling emotions, trying to figure out what is going on in someone’s mind. I have noticed that I keenly observe emotions, mind games, thoughts more minutely than anything else..i might miss a big hoarding on the road. So at one point of my medical sojourn, I had thought (I am not sure if I should be using present or past tense here), that I should think of psychiatry as my profession.
2. I like the ‘organizing’ aspect a lot. I like making plans and implementing them. I like bringing about changes. I liked working for the college fest; I like the ‘behind-the-stage’ challenges and excitement. I had hence thought of shifting to medical administration.

c. The next question is- why am I so dissatisfied with studying medicine?
Now there can be two reasons- one, I am not meant to be here.
Two, may be I am making a big deal of the study pressure. Maybe I am scared, more than what is required. I look at the brilliant students around me and assume I am not going to ever make it, or be a good doctor.
The fact is I am being promoted every year with okay grades, and there are many students who are of my league and perhaps I may not be the number one doc, but I will treat my patients well, and I will have a decent life. The problem is, I fail to see this logic most of the times and more importantly I tend to treat this logic as rubbish whenever I am scared or depressed.
During such weak moments, I tend to emphasise more on reason no.one- I am not doing what I am supposed to be doing. May be I should have tried out my luck somewhere else. May be I should have given documentary film making a try.

d. now this question is nothing but rephrasing question. b, am I really doing what I should be doing? Will I make it as a doc? Am I making a big deal out of this?

This question still remains unanswered. Maybe in the course of life, I’ll find out. If I am lucky, I’ll be a doc 10 years down the line. If I am not, may be I’ll be driven to the point where I’ll have to quit this profession, and try out something else.

the first time is always difficult!

2009-10-12T22:24:00.000-07:00

Being in love for the first time is difficult. Infact doing anything big or close to your heart for the very first time can be unnerving. You become so involved that you sometimes tend to lose perspective of things. This is kind of true in my case, maybe ,because I am an emotional freak! I guess the problem with me is that I try too hard at times, try to do things when I already have my hands full, think too much abt what I should be doing and what I shouldn’t, when a little less of thinking and imagining doesn’t hurt!
Out of the many lessons that Morrie teaches Mitch Albom in “Tuesdays with Morrie”,
(one of my favourite books) one that has stayed with me is the lesson on detachment- u really gotta be detached to experience something better in life..and this though very effective, is a hard one to implement.
Why is the first time always so difficult? Is it because although we know that the outcome may go either in or against our favour, we really donot consider the latter option. I don’t, and I don’t like to, and I don’t want to… coz maybe I live a lot in my dream utopian world, where nothing generally goes wrong. When you fear losing something very precious, u tend to care a lot for it..but sometimes the protectiveness gets a bit over-bearing, a bit, actually a lot possessive. And then you also fear making mistakes, for not wanting to look stupid and for not wanting to spoil anything. And then u start questioning almost everything you do, everything you say- ‘will this jeopardize anything?’. Almost everything seems like a ladder that you have to climb in order to be able to meet the expectations which are sitting on the last rung.
And then when things start getting really claustrophobic, when u realize you r squeezing the fun out of your lives…u sit and write a blog...to bring a bit of detachment into your life….to set your thoughts in place…you cannot enjoy something if you fear losing it so much...and its okay to make mistakes, especially if it is your first time…you got to have faith that everything will work out fine..and if that doesn’t happen..then like patrick overton said- When you have come to the edge Of all light that you know, And are about to drop off into the darkness Of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or You will be taught to fly”......
You tell yourself all of this and you sign off…..

RHAPSODY

2009-08-06T10:54:00.001-07:00

A carnival of life, merriment everywhere,
lights shining bright, lilting melodies in the air.
Like waves, we ebb away from the shores,
of dreary routines, and daily chores,
putting aside a monotonous sepia,
plunging into the depths of psychedelia...

Yet, the dazzling array of lights,
throws upon us a stark reality,
showing us how we live each day,
life's brazen travesty...

The air of festivity beckons us all,
from the isolated islands we have taken refuge in,
And the barrage of hard feelings shall fall,
as we get immersed in this ephemeral revelling...

A time will come, when the music will stop,
and the lights will slowly fade.
Wherever we stand in our journey of life,
we will always reminisce Rhapsody's serenade...

blah blah

2009-07-21T07:16:00.000-07:00

this is a blog entry that i donot want my close friends to read...
there is is part of me that dislikes goodlooking people...it is not dislike entirely, it is dislike mixed with envy mixed with a 'grapes are sour' kinda feeling...and somehow life has always presented me with close encounters with people gifted with beauty..some encounters i have cherished and the others have just happened..aneesha, cd, deepshikha, rohini, sneha...and many others who've just been there fleetingly...but irrespective of the relationship i have shared with them, all of them have, at some point or the other, managed to arouse this feeling of deep dislike towards them..well, it is easy to shrug and say, "that's ur big inferiority complex, sweetheart!" ..aah! dont i know that..but living with it is kinda difficult..painful..especially when i so lack the confidence in myself...and what bugs me more is that a couple of the above mentioned ppl,they happen to be my closest friends, have said in an all-knowing nod...'naah! its not the looks...its about loving urself..its about how well u carry urself, it is being a 'beautiful person' that matters the most'...
bloody hell!!! get this and get this straight my dears thats a big big piece of poop! do you want to deny this...that compliments from the opposite sex is what should top the list of 'confidence boosters' for each one of us??? look deep within and u know u cant..its easy to love urself when u are mr./ms. popular..when ur pics on facebook and orkut get flooded with compliments, when u walk into a party and ppl stare at u wide-mouthed and everybody else pales in comparison...when guys/girls hit on u left rt and centre, when u r stalked my msgs, missed calls and proposals...thats when u become so sure of urself that u never fumble with words, u never take a sarcastic comment directed at u to heart..when u can never get possesive abt ur lover...
i dont know why i am saying all this today...piled up angst against many many ppl, i guess...

2009-04-18T22:26:00.000-07:00

my mood- for- the day! i want to pack my bags and leave for an unknown destination..far away from familiar faces...

random thoughts

2009-04-18T07:08:00.001-07:00

Is it very wrong to have expectations from a person close to you, from a relationship you have nurtured?
1. I showed my dad the first poem that was not one of those school-poem-writing-competitions sorts..like those ‘my country, my pet’ kinds…this poem was one that potrayed my adolescent feelings…some sort of emotional turmoil I was going through..this happened long back..i expected him to appreciate it, to understand me..n not look at it from the ‘english’ aspect..which is precisely what he did..and I haven’t ever shown him any of my other poems..
2. I told my mum that I had fallen in love..i had expected her to trust me as wholeheartedly as I wanted to trust her..i expected her to see me as a friend, as someone who needed her guidance…and she chose to completely alienate herself from this facet of my life…
3. There was a guy in college who had said something back in first year that had nearly broken my trust in a friend I had then- priyankar…our friendship was in the nascent stage and dunno why I had given him one chance to explain himself…thank god that I had kept the channels of communication open coz all of it turned out to be one big confusion..our friendship was saved and I had expected that he would do the same if ever our relationship faced such a crisis..trust me and talk to me and sort out stuff..but one fine day he simply stopped talking…
4. Ashmi..the first girlfriend I had in college…I knew we were absolutely different from each other..but I enjoyed the relationship we shared..at some basic level we connected really well..i had accepted her the way she was..and I had expected her to do the same…but one day somewhere that connection broke…I was miserable at the way we were growing distant, but after many many months I decided to talk to her..was I expecting too much when I wanted her to do the same…to let bygone be bygones..fine, we would never reach the point where we were at one pnt of time..but would a little more effort hurt?
5. Soham…a weird relationship…coz however weird things got between us we had promised to remain friends forever..he was a friend I could share all my feelings with and expect the reaction that I would be looking for…I had shared with him my greatest fear on the back page of his neuroanat book..two years back I guess..the fear of losing friends..the fear of asscaps falling apart…I had expected him to take care of my life in such a way that I never have to encounter this fear of mine..yet now we behave as we had never known each other…
6. Shirsha…the craziest friend I have…yeah well thank god I can use present tense for her…we shared a room in the hostel for over a year…had crazy fun filled moments, girly chats..shared our secrets…yet on a day when I was vulnerable as hell, before the MB, I hd expected that she would understand why I was being so paranoid..she left me alone..and that hurt!
7. Chandradeep…a person for whom the term ‘boyfriend’ sounds so trivial..he’s all relationships put into one..my part time best friend, part time counselor, part time lover..we generally take turns to handle each others mood swings..today I had expected him to handle my anger…yet his reaction completely left me numb…I had never expected him to be so cold..
Today was one bad day at college…everything suddenly felt so out-of-control..is it so very wrong to have expectations out of life..?? before coming here I had a different picture of how I would want to lead life in college…suddenly everything seems to be a bad nightmare…
All the people whom I have mentioned above are the ones I really really care for or had really really cared for at one point of time..i know I am not a perfect person…its just that I had strived to make my life a lil close to perfection..and that’s how I have messed up things so much!

medicine and growing up...

2009-04-06T11:48:00.000-07:00

....orthopaedic ward..we were a group of 25 students surrounding a patient....a 60 year old lady...she complained of severe pain in her hip joint...we were over with the preliminary examinations..and even the over-enthusiastic lot in our batch were done with exhibiting their special clinical skills..we were getting bored, waiting for our professor to come and elaborate on the case..meanwhile i was loitering around in the ward...and i overheard this conversation which took place between the doctor who was treating 'our' patient and her son..
doc- her condition needs an immediate surgery..u'l be explained everything completely and there's no cause for concern...
son- umm...doctor..how much money..i mean could u give me an estimate..i'll have to arrange for it...
doc- the most minimum estimate wont be less than 20,000 rs...
and then that look on the guys face..blank..then a shadow of despair..and he silently nodded..it stabbed at my heart...money cant buy love...really???

pancoast tumor...a less occurring variant of lung cancer...lung cancer...what's it that comes to ur mind first wen u hear the words..death..loss of a near one..our professor told us to visit the wards and study a patient with the typical presentations of horner's syndrome ( a consequence of pancoast tumor)..i went after college, donning my labcoat..i asked the patient's wife to show me the reports and the x-rays..she thought i was a doc..and said..'doctor saheb, hospital se kab chodenge, pata hai?'..i mumbled..'main toh student hoon, jo doctor inhe dekh rahein hain unse poochiye'...and she said..'didi, aap toh samjhiye, hum garib log hain..doctor ko boliye na jaldi chod de..bahut dino se yahan hain...'
i stared at her...lung cancer..did anyone say death was the first thing on their mind...? ground reality surpasses every emotion...

my first visit to the diabetes clinic..community medicine project, part of the curriculum...before attending the clinic we had a class on how to communicate with the patients we would be interviewing...put them at ease, an instant rapport building is important, listen to them patiently, tactfully handle the questions on 'addiction' and similar seemingly embarrassing topics, hear them and try not to miss any point..so on and so forth..the teacher kept blabbering and we kept yawning..duhh! who cares..we have to go there..get some facts..manipulate sum other data..and write the project...10 marks..thats it..
and then the first patient..a 58 year old retired teacher living in the outskirts of kolkata..waiting in a queue, the weather was hot and all of us were sweating profusely..i spoke to the guy and convinced him to answer my queries till his turn came to visit the doc..
he began quite well, helpful and attentive to the questions, answering them to our satisfaction...in the middle of the questionnaire, his name was called and he had to go for his treatment...i waited for him outside, all the while grumbling about the heat, my parched throat, the stupid com med department and their dumb project ideas...then he came out..and i had to follow him and remind him that he had to complete the questionnaire..
and this time he angrily turned to me and said..' what do u want to know? the doctor didnot have time to hear what i had to say...do u know how far i come from?..how long i waited in that queue today?..and then wen my turn came, he scratched down something on the prescription and said 'thats it'..come for a chk up after a month...is it really so difficult for them to show some amount of concern and empathy...'
i didnot feel like pursuing him anymore..i let him give vent to his anger and saw him trudging out of the building in the sweltering heat...nurturing the doctor patient relationship...shouldnot that be in our curriculum as well..?

Sex and the City

2009-04-05T04:20:00.000-07:00

there was something i wanted to write abt which thanks to my procrastination, i've not bin able to write as yet...i saw 'juno' on television..it is a movie about a teenager, a 16 yr old, faced with an unplanned pregnancy, who decides not to go through an abortion, and instead gives the baby to a childless couple..
it is quite a sweet movie..and apart from the character 'juno', essayed by ellen page, and the song 'anyone else but you', what i really really liked was the 'sexual liberation' in the soceity potrayed by the movie...where sex is not unholy and it doesnt merit the soceity's deprecation... yes..teenage pregnanacy is looked down upon..but not coz premarital sex is a sin but because it is imperative to play it safe..and all this when compared to the claustrophobic soceity we live in is utopia...

juno’s parents freaked out when she confided in them…true..but at least she could think of talking to them…if faced with a similar situation, I would have preferred to run away if I had the money or better still put the noose around my neck…than…oh gosh..even writing it here gives me the creeps…and juno’s parents, her mum esp saw it coming when she saw her in such great consternation…that’s coz I guess she knew what it is like to be a 16yr ol…when there’s so much to discover about urself..body and soul..
she could put herself in the shoes of sumone who was not just her daughter but also an adolescent…for that u have to know ur kids not just academically but also emotionally…

this incident happened a year ago...i was walking on the streets with CD (my boyfriend..and i'll write a lot more abt him in the forthcoming blogs..)..i dun remember clearly but probably we were holding hands...and this old lady comes up to us from nowhere..an absolute stranger to both of us..and shrieks aloud..'do ur parents know abt this..??? bunking classes...nothing better to do...blah blah'...and before we could even think of reacting she huffed puffed away...a person who doesnt know us at all has an opinion as to how i should be leading my life...!

another incident... this happened about 6 months back..i was returning to college in the evening and the metro was crowded like hell..there was a young couple waiting near the doors..and as the crowd at 'chandni chowk' station tumbled in all together.. jostling and pushing...the guy put his arm around the girl trying to protect her from the crowd..and this middle aged guy started muttering loudly- ei shob korar jonne victoria aache...('they can do all this at victoria'.... victoria memorial which is calcutta heritage and also a favourite hangout area for couples)...

so gist of the story is that the freakingly narrow minded attitude of the soceity bugs me like crazy...u r looked down upon if u hold the hands of sumone u love and u are considered characterless if u are unmarried and u have physical desires…what I donot understand is why is the whole ‘sati savitri’ image put on such a pedestal…for women that is..guys have always done what they have wanted to…why aren’t the physiological processes of the body given their due importance…I mean there is something called hormones…and its perfectly all right to be governed by their rise and fall! Umm…okay..this is medical shit that I am typing..guess that’s the cue to get back to my books….

hello!

2009-03-31T07:01:00.000-07:00

my first baby step into the blogging world... i still dont know what i'll use it for...to tell something about myself to ppl out there, i guess...there's a lot i feel like talking about..but i usually never find the right outlet at the right time..so some stuff keep piling up inside me...often i am too diplomatic...often restrained while i talk to ppl..often i dont find enough confidence to voice my opinions...often i worry too much abt 'what ppl will say/think of me'...often i am really sad or terribly angry or extremely joyous at something..emotions overwhelm me and then again words fail me...hence i think writing it down here is gonna help me somewhat...well, i love writing..a lot...but i am not really all that proficient at it...but 'ki pharak paenda!'... :)...that's it i guess...