P.S I LOVE YOU!

I am feeling disorientated yet again. There is an undercurrent of unhappiness and restlessness within me that is driving me crazy, and invariably I am directing these emotions against two people - P n S (names withheld !) who have been two of the most special friends I have had in college.
With S, this sort of a behavior is completely unjustified on my part. Simply because, she doesn’t deserve it one bit. I have always terribly low on self confidence, and she is someone, (apart from P n Mimi) who have helped me fight against this big obstacle I face in all spheres of my life. Her unquestioning belief in my abilities and trust has always been an inspiration for me in my worst moods. Sometimes, she is the mirror in whom I can see myself, sometimes she is someone I admire and aspire to be like. She makes me feel buoyed up in life with her exuberance, but these days I respond to her coldly, coz I feel she makes me feel incapable as a student. There cannot be a more flawed attitude. Yes, I know that she is a far better student than I am. There’s a lot to learn from her, and I have. But the desperation and helplessness that I am experiencing in this academic year is turning me into one hell of a petty person.
P, my life and soul…and the thing is I can love him as much as I can be antagonized by him. And he keeps winning me over, by gestures that overwhelm me. And then I sometimes wish we weren’t in this kind of a relationship that we are in now. Coz it hurts. It is a lot easier to accept people the way they are when u expect less from them, when your relationship maintains the distance that is required to keep it fresh and healthy. But unfortunately we are together in a way that allows us to do neither of the above. And that is how trouble erupts in paradise. And the fact is that my foul mood these days isn’t making matters better. Fear is what I feel and he doesn’t. Zeal to live for today is his forte which isn’t mine. Things that matter to me do not matter the same way to him. What ‘being uncomplicated’ means to him does not mean the same to me. I seek solace in solitude these days and that just does not feel right.
Yeh waqt guzar jayega. I hope it does. Coz I want to feel the same love, same harmony that I used to feel earlier in these two relationships.
Peace, that is what I am searching for the most. I want the perpetual turmoil and pessimism in within me to end…